My mom died two months ago – July 29, 2023. I can’t believe she’s gone. I miss her so much.
She asked about Josh often. “Have you heard from him?” she’d ask. “How is Josh doing?” . . .She was the only one in my family that asked me about you. No one else ever will.
My mom died and part of me died with her. The part that knew someone felt the pain similiar to me and could empathize with me. And did not make me feel crazy but a loved human.
When I was me at 19 year old (picture below, not great, but the essense of a sweet not jaded 19 year old). . . I trusted everyone, loved and appreciated everyone. I was good, excellent, in school and relationships. . . I was not jaded and just open to a wonderful life . . .I went to College and excelled and quit to marry your father because I was so in LOVE with him. He adored me and me him. And then . . . as much as I tried we lived separate lives . . . but still we had you in June of 1985. So loved you. But then life set in. I was alone raising you. Your father didn’t pay much attention to me. But I still strived to live the relationship . . . and when your father abused me emotionally and then physically (pinned me down so I could not speak and smacked me down on the kitchen counter and I could not breath) I needed to go.
I still don’t understand why you don’t want me in your life or you in my life? You are my only child. I see mothers and sons together on a daily basis, whether it be in a grocery store, driving down the road or on TV.
Mothers that have done horrible things to their sons don’t deserve to be in their lives or need forgiveness and understanding if there is room for that.
I have not done anything horrible to you.
I’ve lost patience with you. I’ve not always listened as I should. I spoiled you so much, feeling guilty for divorcing your dad and you being so far away. I’ve acted pitiful in front of you and broken. I know I’m not perfect. Giving birth to you was painful and hard but I felt so blessed to birth you and be your mother.
I love and miss you so dearly and deeply
Probably my biggest fault is I don’t understand why you have abandoned me. What was so terrible that I did besides just being human and imperfect? For saying one thing wrong when inquiring about your grandfather’s death.
You stopped wanting anything to do with me when you were 26. You are 37 years old now and I still don’t know why . . .
Mom
not in shock anymore. But loved this. . . instead of going into a depressed state I enjoy being in this shock like state and forgetting that you don’t want to talk to me . . .
Some days I’m ok. I don’t feel sad that you don’t talk to me. Don’t feel weepy. In fact I have healthy and happy thoughts.
Do wonder how you are and what you are doing and how you are feeling.
and reach for the phone to call you . . . as if you will take my call, just like you used to. Or you’d text me back and say “what’s up?”
But then it comes back to me . . . and instead of going into a depressed state I enjoy being in this shock like state and forgetting that you don’t want to talk to me, because it often, if not always, does not make sense to me.
I hope you are having a good life. Miss you. . . .
Josh, my son, texted me yesterday and said I needed to apologize again for what I did when his grandfather died, and he was informed about my blog today – by a client – and not surprised but very disappointed.
Apologize – I mentioned my personal Cancer scare when you told me your Grand Father died of Cancer – for this I’m so sorry and have said sorry 100’s of times. Can’t say I apologize or I’m sorry any more.
Not surprised? – why would you think I would Blog about my sorrow? My blog is public, but I’ve not promoted it at all. My hope was that you would find it when I’m gone – wanted you to know my heart, my truth and how much I love and loved you.
Disappointed? – You were such a love of my life – if my writing disappoints you – nothing to say to this. I’m really disappointed in you, that you have held such a grudge for so long for something that was said in a conversation for a millionth of a fraction of your life. Your loved ones are in for a surprise when you decide to ignore them . . .
I know we may never physically meet in the future and that’s ok . . .Be Brilliant!
Mom
One more day left in 2021 and I have not heard a word from you or about you. I was sitting on the couch with my mother – your grandmother, Agnes – on Christmas Eve and she asked me if I had heard from you. She can’t remember what day it is and what she ate for dinner, but she asked about you.
Maybe she sensed you. Or maybe she felt my grief from me losing you. I don’t know but you came to her mind.
I had a good year overall but am grieving the loss of my position of 17 years. I know you didn’t like that I had a career and put a lot of focus and energy into my job. It’s just who I am and doesn’t take away the fact that I love and loved you deeply and fully and there is a big hole in my heart because you are gone.
Another year without out you . . .
Mom
I know some day you will come back into my life. I just wonder when? I hope you are happy and safe. I’m sending you love and light, Josh, my son.
Love, Mom
This email is from my narcissist sister Katie (Kathleen) written to my siblings and her children (my nieces and nephew). It’s all a big fat lie and she refuses to apologize for writing such hateful, untrue information. I did let them know that I could not bare to find out facts about my son on Facebook and wished to keep my life private if they friended him – that’s not horrific, it was a healthy boundary for myself.
The below is my son’s point of view, Katie’s twisted interpretation and really vague about what really happened and not the truth. She chooses to believe my son over me her own sister, but what is she really believing? Does she really have a special relationship with Josh?
The only thing this email shows me is she is a hateful person and she’s telling her children it’s ok to talk poorly about siblings and it’s ok to hate each other.
Katie’s betrayal makes losing my son just that much more difficult and hard. Yet I feel sorry for her – she’s so stoic and life is all about her – at least I feel and can feel deeply.
From: Kathleen Ann & Frank Dan Sickles <dankatiesickles@yahoo.com>
Sent: Sunday, June 11, 2017 9:09:55 PM
To: Gailschuster; Susan Ayotte; Kassidy Benson; Jeff Schuster; Julie Crocco; Ashley Benson; Preston Benson; Candice Ariel Klein
Subject: Josh Hulstrom
Tomorrow is Josh Hulstrom’s birthday. He will be 32.
I had dinner with Alicia and Josh on Friday evening. Josh would like to reconnect with the Schuster family. His estrangement from his Mom stems from an event that happened June 20, 2011 at or after the time of his grandfather Jack Hulstrom’s passing. Sandy was at my house not to long after I read the obituary in our local newspaper and I said something to Sandy. What happened after that was truly a destructive series of events that in mind was in no way Josh’s fault. I saw first hand the rage that Sandy flew into regarding Josh, however did not see how she handled this with Josh. Josh told me what happened.
Josh has carried this weight and the rage grew, he said he was truly “mad” at the events, but found that the only thing he could do is sever the Schuster relationship to heal. He was very honest that the madness consumed his life and with Alicia’s help has found some peace. He began reaching out, as most of us know this was through Facebook. I was horrified that Sandy would email all of us to request that we reject Josh’s Facebook request or she would unfriend.
Alicia (Purkey) and Josh married July 19, 2014. They have dogs and a cat no children, however would like children. Alicia has two years to complete her PHD in Nero Biology and then they plan a move to the northwest US. Both are vegetarians and restrict most if not all drug and alcohol consumption.
Josh was in tears as we talked and he felt that a big weight was lifted to know that we want to connect with him. Connecting is your choice. I am sure a Happy Birthday text would be appreciated at 719-248-3026, however probably not as important as the opportunity to be invited to family events. He said that in the event is mother we there it would be awkward, but he misses all of us.
Life is just to short…
Kathleen ‘Katie’ Sickles
dankatiesickles@yahoo.com
home 856-7471
cell 270-5771[http://mail.yimg.com/zz/nq/options/img/40.gif]
Grief – some days it’s practically gone other days is like a tsunami but it’s always here in my head, my heart, my body and being.
I grieve for you Josh. I’ve lost you and it hurts my soul. It’s not something most parents have to face, the loss of a child, especially when the child is still alive. If you had died I suppose it would feel the same. I have no hope of seeing you again or you being in my life similar to had you died.
If you had died, I suppose it may be a little different? Maybe I could connect with you on a spiritual level? or not. I don’t know. The fact of the matter is you are gone and I’m grieving the loss of you.
Mom
Ten years ago today, Josh and his girlfriend Alecia Purkey had breakfast with me at Racine’s in Denver, Colorado….I posted this picture on Facebook and one of my friends said – “it’s confirmed that boys are attracted to those that look like their mothers”- small positive thoughts for me…
Silence Outloud 